Don't let other people's problems become your problems.It's something I'm trying to train my brain to remember, as I wade through the slosh of personality disputes, professional differences, social politics, interpersonal grievances and the all-around-trickiness that is my job. Oh, and life in general.
Basically, I am tired of being a doormat and I'm teaching myself to stand up and not be pushed around.
So here are some things which you might find useful to remember, and remind yourself of if you find yourself feeling the way I do a lot of the time:
- My opinions are just as valid as yours.
- My professional responsibilities are important, even if they differ from yours.
- My time, like yours, is valuable, and I object to it being wasted because you won't do your job properly. The same goes for my sanity.
- If you have a problem with me, I can't do anything about it unless I know what it is.
- If any of the above cause you grief, that isn't my problem. Nor is it my responsibility to fix. Deal with it - either work with me to fix the issue, or get over it.
Another thing I have learned is the whole 'circle of responsibility vs. circle of influence' concept. Go here to read about it.
In summary, it says that you shouldn't feel responsible for things which you cannot control. If you do, you're in for a rollercoaster of emotional stress. It's worth understanding.
I hope God gives me the strength to stick to it. And you.
Look after yourselves.
7 comments:
#4 is an excellent one. I spent an entire year (or more) of highschool involved in a "friendship" with a person who didn't like me, despite the fact we'd been friends for years prior to that. I didn't know why but she never told me. She pretended to be my friend to my face but said all sorts of things behind my back, and she knew I knew what she was saying.
Then 12 - 18 months later it came out, and it turned out to be over something she thought I'd said about her that I never said at all. More than a year's friendship wasted because she couldn't "man up" and just tell me what her problem was.
Scott,
I have found your post so eerily similiar to what I am going through at the moment. Trying to train your brain and also your heart into remembering not to let other people's problems become your own is really hard but your right it's the only way to survive physically and emotionally.
Oh the challenges life throws at us! It's a learning curve thats for sure.
Good luck :)
Very useful Scott, thanks. I feel like I play leapfrog with this. My personality is naturally a more authoritative one, and sometimes I'm blind to when I'm exerting that inappropriately, especially with personal relationships. But through various circumstances (hostile work environment in particular) I feel as though I definitely function in the compliant circle. This can be frustrating because when you work in a team environment like a hospital, you're made to feel like you are asking for a favour when you're really just asking someone to do their job.
Anyway I hope you're going well with it. And if it's the residents giving you a hard time, try not to take it too personally. Some are just smug and that's annoying, but I think most put on their battle armour every morning before entering the hospital because they are used to being dumped on/talked down to/ignored by registrars/consultants/departments. Not that I'm making excuses for bad attitudes, but it does make it a bit more understandable.
I'm going through the same thing! I've been a people pleaser since I was about 7, we moved to T'ville and I was forced to make new friends.
10-15 years later I just felt tired. Tired of constantly trying to figure out what other people were thinking and anticipating what they want.
I now have a important responsibilities in the roles I have at work and sometimes that means making people unhappy for whatever reason.
The thing to remember is that it's not you that are making them unhappy. I don't intentionally set out to ruin their day, I'm just relaying the fact that situation X has occurred which means they now (need to/should not) do action Y.
If you're talking to a mature person they will understand and move on. Unfortunately it's the immature people who take it personally and act as though you have something against them.
Your choice then is to either encourage them to become more mature (which they probably wont like) or ignore the fact and get on with what you're paid to do (which they also wont like).
Thanks for sharing Scooter and keep standing up for yourself!
This isn't in direct reply to the original post, but it's something that came to mind while I was reading the follow up comments.
While I believe it is important to not become overwhelmed by other people's problems, we should not go the other direction and say "I'm over being a people-pleaser" and just disregard what is going on in other people's lives and their feelings. I know people who have gone too far the other direction and just become cold and heartless. We can show love and sympathy and try to help people out without owning their problems as our own.
Agreed, Leah. "Everything in moderation."
I'm glad people have found this useful, or encouraging as it relates to their own circumstances.
Joel, don't worry. It's not residents. It's everyone! The residents are getting better every year, I think. I more run into problems with consultants and registrars. I know interns do it tough. The whole 'hierarchy' in medicine is probably the thing that turns me away from it the most. I couldn't deal with it. And it's self-perpetuating - when interns become consultants they get their own back by harassing their own interns. Of course I'm generalising. But I hope you can be a good instrument of change, Joel. Be nice to your residents - I know you will be.
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