God doesn't want me to be Happy

Every now and again you're struck by an inconvenient truth. This one hit me a few years ago, but like many of life's harder lessons, I need to be reminded of it time and time again.

The lesson is this:

God doesn't want me to be happy.

Well, to clarify, God's primary purpose for my life is not my happiness.

Like many things in Christianity, this message runs counter-cultural to the 'me-focused' world of today. Most of our contemporaries would say if something isn't making you happy - a job, a relationship, a marriage etc - leave it and find something that does.

Recently I am finding myself having to make a very difficult personal decision. I have two options.

The first is pursuing something which I feel might make me happy, and we're talking a long-term happiness thing - not the fleeting 'wow I've just eaten half a block of chocolate' happiness.
Unfortunately, it still concerns what is (in my head at least) a theological grey area in terms of morality. Certainly, I feel I can't pursue this with a clear conscience before God.

The second option is the safer option - God will have no objection, but I'll be saying goodbye to that particular chance for happiness. Not only that, but there will be a number of long-term negative emotions which will accompany the decision.

I know which decision I would like to make (duh!) but I am reminded that God's chief concern isn't for our Happiness, but for our Holiness.

I believe He grieves our pain with us, certainly, but what He seeks most is for us to conform to the image of Christ and his righteousness. So, I guess that means that the 'But this will make you happy' argument isn't enough to justify a decision you can't make on a clear conscience.

Besides, God does promises that the road that leads to Life is narrow, and the gate is small. Perhaps this suggests that the right decisions will be the harder ones?

Or, to put it another way, as one of my best friends articulated in an email to me,

...if we’re being refined like gold, then it’s got to be hot.

 I still have a lot of thinking to do, but I thought this was a milestone worth sharing.

Encouragement, but at what cost?

'Encouragement' is a word that Christians throw around a lot. And I mean a lot.

Like with respect to  many terms or expressions in 'pop-Christianese', I think half of those who use it understand it half as sure as they think they do, and sure enough the other half probably use it twice as often as they ought.

Encouragement itself is not a bad thing. Certainly, it would be great if there were less talking about it and more 'doing it'. Unfortunately though, I think we need to be mindful of where it comes from.

I wonder if anyone has ever said to you, brimming with enthusiasm, 'I'm just so encouraged by how God is working in your life.' Maybe it's come after you got the you were chasing, or in response to how you've been serving in the church.

That's great, and definitely reason to take hope in God's goodness toward that particular individual.

But sometimes, this isn't always the case. Sometimes the encouragement we glean from others comes at great personal cost to them. It may have come out of a long-term emotional battle, or from making what they felt was the right decision in a tough situation even though it nearly killed them inside to do it.

Having struggled with depression for a long time, it's certainly been a roller-coaster of ups and downs. And God has certainly blessed me with opportunities to love and serve others through it all. Along the way, when sharing my story with loving, well-meaning Christians, I have oft encountered the remark,

"Wow, I am just so encouraged by how God is working in your life."

And hey, that's great. I am glad that you can be inspired and all - motivated on to a greater purpose and greater good, maybe even riding an emotional wave as you go - but where has that come from?

You haven't had to endure the internal angst which has lead up to that point, or possibly the heartbreak that follows. Why should I have to endure this pain so that others can be encouraged?

I realise I sound very self-centred, and I think at some level I am, though I want to suggest that encouragement shouldn't end there. Maybe the person whose story has encouraged you needs encouragement back, so that they themselves can keep striving towards that greater good and purpose with you.

--UPDATE--

Sorry folks, I should point out that this isn't in response or directed at any person or persons in particular. It's something that has been percolating in my head for a number of months, finally put to paper. Please don't look for any hidden subtext.

Misery has loved company

It's true. And today marks the last 'Eternal Hope' meeting at Moore College. All of the students have finished their exams for the year, and many are starting to head off this weekend.

While I still have a month to go at AIM, I'm taking this opportunity to reflect on the past year and the blessing that EH has been to my time here at college.

EH, for any new readers among us, is a group I established here at college based on a ministry of the same name that runs at my church.

The idea was to create a meeting place for college residents to get together to share struggles, battles with loneliness, difficult life events, and anything else which might be burdening the heart. Amidst the facade of 'having it all together' (which sadly is all to common in Christian environments), it was a place where people could be real with each other - weep with those who weep.

Today, we are getting together over coffee for a time of thanksgiving and prayer, and we have a lot to be thankful to God for, such as:

• The strength to meet and love one another through the hard times
• The strength to serve one another, and vision to look out for each other
• Opportunities to pray for each other, and the larger college community
• The reassurance that we are loved by our Christian brothers and sisters (and by God), no matter where we're at
  

I want to say thank you to everyone who has prayed for us as a group - I hope that in your prayers you'll also rejoice with us in the progress and successes that individual members have had throughout the year.

It has been a huge privilege to meet with this amazing group of people, and I want to thank each one of them for there courageousness to be vulnerable, their humility in letting us serve them, and their grace in responding in love to each and every person in the group. I am so grateful for each one of them, and for how they have made the group what it is today.

My future here at Moore College remains unknown - I am waiting to see if there will be rooms for Uni Boarders next year. Regardless of wherever God may take me, and whether or not I will be a part of it next year, I hope you will pray with me that EH will continue at Moore College, and provide a safe shelter full of love, grace, compassion and kindness, all to the glory of God. SG

Finding that Joy (...down in my heart)

Last Sunday at church, my pastor started a new sermon series on Joy, and we ran with that theme last night at bible study.

He kicked off the study with a song - a remake of an old Christian 'classic' called
'I've got the Joy (Down in my Heart)'. Here's this new version that he played.




The group's reaction to the song was mixed: some said it made them want to cry. Others said they wanted to cut their wrists. (Personally, if anything was going to drive me to find relief in pain, it would be the original version, made famous by Sunday schools everywhere, and infamous by Rod and Todd Flanders on The Simpsons.)

I, on the other hand, loved it. It did make me want to cry, but in a cathartic way, because it seemed to articulate my own experience of Joy that the Bible talks about.

It's easy to have joy and rejoice in the good times, but there are many instances where the Bible speaks of Joy in the context of suffering. Despite trying times, Christians throughout the ages have rejoiced in God.

For many years, hampered in no small way by my own struggles with depression and other things, I doubted my identity in Christ, my assurance of Salvation as a Christian, because I never 'felt' this overwhelming joy that seemed to be a staple in the lives of other Christians. I understood the gospel, I understood that I had been rescued from my sin by Jesus, and that I was awaiting a grand inheritance in the life to come (Ephesians 1-2), but any positive feelings were often suppressed by my own experiences. Did this mean I hadn't really 'gotten' the gospel, and something was missing in me as a Christian?

Looking at this song, I think it clearly paints the message I am trying to remember every day. The writer has taken the original lyrics and melody which still hold their original meaning, but by placing them in a more solemn and harrowing harmonic context, we can re-examine and understand the lyrics in a whole new way. And gain an amazing appreciation for them as we do so!

The lyrics represent the truth of the Gospel. The harmonic context (of both versions of the song) represent one's circumstances: either bright and happy, or difficult and driving to despair.

The great thing is that no matter our circumstances, the truth of the Gospel and our assurance of salvation in Christ remain unchanged - and these give us reason to hope.

Who Jesus is, and who we are in Him, give us reason to have joy, and rejoice. Even if it takes all our strength to utter such simple words.

Because sometimes it does. And that's ok. God understands, and He loves us all the same. SG


I would love to hear others' thoughts about this song. Leave them in the comments below.

The Plight of Perfectionism

I'm a perfectionist. I have been for most of my life. Sometimes even bordering on OCD when it comes to certain things.

I've heard a few ideas on perfectionism, and the one that particularly intrigues me is one which suggests that rather than simply trying to be high achievers, we perfectionists are more focused on the fear of failure. That's certainly true of me: I am terrified of the thought of failing at something, and even though the high marks which often accompany perfectionism are gratifying, there is always the nagging thought which says, 'You should have done better.'

I am also a terrible procrastinator. I could organise my way out of any dilemma, but if procrastination were currency, I'd be metaphorically rolling in it.

Image courtesy of:

I once heard a helpful idea which tries to link the two - perfectionism and procrastination. Basically, a lot of procrastinators procrastinate because they are afraid of failing at whatever they keep putting off. Again, this is certainly true of me.

For instance, at the moment, I should be working on my composition assignment. I love music, and I love writing music, but because I'm so afraid that what I come up with is going to be potentially offensive on a cellular level, I am sitting here writing my ideas about procrastination instead.

Incidentally, this makes you, dear reader, complicit in my procrastination. Thanks for being a part of it.

In the past few months I've formed my own theory about why we procrastinate, and the different ways people work out there perfectionist tendencies. I'm sure these have been postulated before by others, but I've never heard them, and I've come up with these on my own, so I'm not going to cite anyone and I'm not going to feel guilty about it.

If one's perfectionism stems from fearing failure, I think people respond in either one of two ways:

1. We procrastinate - we put things off because we're terrified of doing a bad job. Usually, when we get to it we do it well, but it's often a rush-job and could have been ten times better.

OR

2. We obsess over it - we put so much time and effort into it that it consumes us. Take the pianist who, to you and me, is amazing, but is still so insecure about his performance that he practices hours and hours and hours a day. The result is that he is a virtuoso in his art (likely in everyone's opinion but his own), but is his joy in his art dampened by his tireless pursuit to flee failure?

I'm certainly in the first category. I'd like to be in the second, because at least I'd have something to show for my stress.

What about you? Do you procrastinate? Which category would you assign yourself to? Do you work out perfectionism in a different way? What strategies do you use to avoid procrastination?

Appreciate any thoughts and feedback - this procrastination is killing me.

Although not as much as my composition, which I suppose I'd better try to get back to.

SG

Breaking News: Harmony Lecturer maimed by Parallel Octave.

A Harmony Lecturer has been seriously injured, caught off guard by a stray Parallel Octave created by one of his students. Only Sub-dominant injuries were sustained, thanks to quick action by a number of students who were Passing Notes at the time.

The court is expected to hear that while there was no apparent Motive, the student ought to have Anticipated the move,  and should consequently receive a Suspension.

The student was believed to be under the influence of a Prolonged Tonic.

Are you as messed-up as I am?

Something that sucks

Well, Life sucks sometimes. And that's completely normal.

Unfortunately, that normality is one of the things that can suck.

For some of us, sometimes can become a lot of the time, which can in turn become most of the time. It's a progression familiar to anyone who's done the K10 Depression screening tool at the GP's office. Yet somehow, ticking the boxes and scoring high doesn't seem to capture the enormous difficulty in facing another day at work, or that assignment, that communal meal, or even that coffee date with your best friend.

Sometimes, just getting out of bed and eating something is an achievement worth celebrating.

We rarely celebrate however, because we often suffer alone. Looking around, we see a community of people who have their lives together, which seems obvious from the way they act. They're not tormented by the same struggles of life, death, career, relationships, marriages, broken relationships, broken marriages, irrational anxiety, depression, their relationship with God, their identity, their sexuality, the expectations they're trying to live up to, and the dysfunctional coping mechanisms they resort to as they try to hold it all together.

That's an exhausting list. It was exhausting to write. And some of us are living a list similar to that every day.

With that list can come the constant feelings of isolation, loneliness and inadequacy (and even bigger issues such as depression and other mental illness). Our community can feel like an intimidating and alienating place, despite the fact that it is made up of wonderful people who, like us, more than likely don’t have it all together.

God knows this is a heavy burden to bear, and we long for a friend to help shoulder the load. But most of us will rarely ask for help. If a loved one has the good grace to enquire, we're more than prepared to dodge the real questions with a humourous remark or a furtive change of subject.

Sometimes it's because we think if we ignore our problems, they'll go away on their own. Most of the time we're afraid to be seen as weak. Messed-up. Too 'high-maintenance' for our friends to bother with. Even though we're usually not asking for answers or advice - just to be loved and cared for despite our brokenness, and reminded that we have a Hope what lies beyond this life.

Something that's good

For those of us living in the Christian community, we have amazing opportunities to love, share and pray for one another (not to mention those outside our walls). But we also have the opportunity to meet together and be reminded that we're not alone in our struggles, and that we can share our burdens in a safe environment, encourage each other from the word, pray for each other, and find out practical ways to help support each other.

Since I arrived in Sydney, I've been greatly blessed by a ministry at my church, which I'm hoping to replicate in the college residence where I live. The ministry is a great place where we:

• Meet together in an informal, confidential and non-judgmental environment
• Be refreshed and encouraged by God's Word
• Share as little or as much as we want
• Are prayed for
• Remember that we aren't alone in our earthly struggles
• Ask how we can practically love, support and serve one another.

I am hoping to replicate this ministry in the residential college where I live, very soon. For those of you who pray, please pray that it might be a blessing to those who need it, and that the residents would seek to love and serve one another within the group, but also (and more importantly) outside the group.

SG

Seven things to remember when moving to Sydney

A friend of mine moving from Townsville (North QLD) to Sydney recently asked me if I, having previously survived the move, had any tips for her. She has lived in Townsville all her life so it's a daunting prospect.

I shared with her some of the things I have learned in the process, and decided it would be worth blogging in case anybody else finds it of use.


1. Find a Christian support/social network quickly.

Depending on the number of people you know in Sydney (I knew a grand total of about four), this can be easy or hard. Try and lock yourself into a church sooner rather than later.

2. Don't look for the perfect church.

Because, a) you'll never find it, and b) you really are spoilt for choice down here. There are lots of quality churches and you could spend ages looking. In the end, I didn't visit all the recommendations on my list as it would have taken weeks. I found one I was happy with and stuck with it. Remember that you can always go looking again later if it turns out to be not what you thought.

3. Sydney isn't Townsville

Obvious, I know, but the atmosphere is very different down here. People are very busy and always doing things. Fortunately that's a culture thing, and you're free to move at your own pace. Don't let yourself get swept into the current if you're not ready.

4. Sydney people aren't Townsville people

A friend and mentor of mine mentioned to me before I moved down that Sydney people act like they've got it all together. We Queenslanders are usually more honest when life isn't going so well, but you don't hear this so much with the Sydney-ites. As a result, it's easy to feel like you're the only person in the entire city whose life is screwed up, but it's not true. I have also found it to be harder to form relationships where you can create that dynamic of sharing burdens, but leading by example is a good tactic here - if you're open and honest with people, they're more inclined to be open and honest with you.

5. Friendships take time

When I first moved to Townsville, it took about five years before I finally had very, very close friends, and of course they are what I miss most about Townsville. It can be a scary prospect when you consider that it might take another five years to grow those kind of friendships again, but you have to be patient.

6. Don't be afraid to reinvent yourself

If you've lived in somewhere all your life, you've probably lived under a whole heap of expectations from family, friends, the church, etc. These can be great things which help make you the person you are, but finding independence and moving to a new place can be a great opportunity to make changes and be who you want to be. The people you'll meet will have no prior impressions or expectations of you, so the only person you should aim to please is God.

7. Remember: Nothing is permanent

If you get down here, and it's not what you thought it would be, you can always go home. A lot of people might view this as a personal failing, but rather than thinking of it as 'You weren't right for Sydney', think 'Sydney wasn't right for you'. You will always have people back home who will love you and welcome you back with open arms. This is a healthy perspective to keep, and will hopefully alleviate some of the pressure of the move.



What do you think? What would you be afraid of if you had to make such a big move? What have you done that's helped? What would you do differently next time?

SG

The first audition is always the worst

      Oh please, let it be so.


I wonder if Elton John remembers his first audition. I wonder if it was messy, awkward and embarrassing, or if it sparkled with the confidence and self-assurance that it takes to wear whole outfits just as sparkly.

I had my first audition this week, and while it was an experience I'd sooner forget, I'm sure I'll remember it for a long time to come.

To cut a long story short, I was made to do an impromptu 'audition' to get into a Ensemble class for the semester (a class made up of small groups in different musical formats). Despite the fact that I'm a Composition major, and was hoping for the vocal ensemble (where I could comfortably blend in with some other baritones and sway in all the right places), they wanted to put me into a group with Contemporary Performance majors. But they had to check I was up to scratch.

Thus ensued my unprepared, unrehearsed, nerve-wracked piano and singing audition, and, after bumbling through a rather awkward recital of 'Georgia on my mind' on the keys, I was asked to sing something.

I. Had. Nothing.

Nothing.

Drawing blanks.

Good grief, this is so embarrassing! He must think I'm such a twerp.

"Um, what would you like me to sing?" I asked, stalling for time.

"Anything you want," said he.

Thanks for your help. 

"Like what?" I persisted, silently pleading with God for either divine inspiration or a fatal aneurysm.

"Well, what you normally sing. What do you sing when you have a gig on a Friday night?"

Are you serious? I've never had a gig in my life! At least none that somebody's enjoyed so much they felt they needed to pay me for it! "Oh. Ok. Um..."

Nothing.

In hindsight, I could have sung a Disney song. I've done a couple of those at weddings. Or a Casting Crowns song - I had some good feedback on those when I'd performed at special church services.

Nothing. Nada. My head was as blank as the expression on my face.

And so, grasping at the first and only thing I could think of, that's how I came to sing 'Advance Australia Fair' for my audition into a Contemporary Performance class.

What. A dork.

If the bloke assessing me was laughing on the inside he deserves a damn medal for keeping himself composed. I don't know what he would have found funnier: my unrehearsed, off-pitch singing or the fact that the nervous fiddling with my necklace as I sang probably looked remarkably like holding my hand to my chest in a dedicated show of patriotism.

Please, just let the ground open up and swallow me whole...

Strangely enough, instead of my enrolment being cancelled on the spot, I was accepted into the class.

(As a pianist, fortunately...)

So now, whenever I hear our beloved National Anthem, I know I'm going to remember my first ever audition in the big, bad music world. And cringe.

Oh hell. The Olympics are on this year.

I'd better steer clear of the swimming.

Pachelbel Rant

A friend of mine shared this on Facebook the other day.

While I may be a little late to the party on this one, as a cellist' I found it resonated with a certain tone of Truth.

To infinity and beyond

What an optimistic title to this blog.

That's so unlike me...

Still, it captures pretty well what this post is about.

If I had wings like this, perhaps I'd've done this sooner.

January 2012 marks the start of something new for me. I have pulled up my roots in Townsville, and am currently on my way south, as I relocate to Sydney.

I've had the pleasure of spending the last nine years in Townsville, having moved there straight after finishing high school to study and then work as a pharmacist. I will always look back on these years as a huge blessing - the beginnings of independence and getting to know myself as a person, and really coming to terms with the meaning and implications of my faith.

I'll always look back on these years with joy and thankfulness, not least of all because of the people who made it happen. I left a lot of friends behind, but took with me treasured memories. And I take comfort from the fact that, for those of us who are united together in Christ, there are no Goodbyes.

So so long, Townsville, and thanks for all the fish. You were great, but it is time for a sea-change. One can only stand their soul being ground away in the public service for so long before something snaps. And my something did snap. So it must be time to try pursue something I actually enjoy!

And so to Sydney it is, where I'm aiming to work part-time as a pharmacist while I go back to uni and study music (composition and music production, to be precise). Yes, I'm petrified, and yes; it's a far-fetched goal, possibly chasing after an even-further-fetched dream, and no; I have no idea what I'll possibly do with it at the end, but...

Well, actually, that's it. That's the truth of the matter. Still, it's worth a shot.

While studying, I'll have the pleasure of living at Moore Theological College, in the single men's residence. This, I must say, I am really looking forward to: Halls of Residence are petri dishes well suited for breeding (among other things) great friendships.

And since I'm taking my coffee machine, I'm hoping it'll give me a head start.

My New-Year Resolutions

So Happy New Year, and all that.

The start of 2012 means a lot of different things to different people. For me, the year ticking over means it's probably time for another blog post.

Don't get confused. This post shouldn't be misinterpreted as some kind of New Year's Resolution to start blogging more regularly. It's not. Though any rational individual might take comfort from this fact, as it means it's more likely to survive past the first twenty minutes of January.

I have made a few resolutions this year. When I started writing this blog post I had two. Now I have three. And no; 'blogging more regularly' didn't just sneak in there. Incidentally, I was also going to include 'Be Optimistic' on my list, but excluded it after I decided that was probably too optimistic.

My first resolution... Hang on I forgot. No, that's right. My first resolution is to

Read my Bible every day.


Even if it's just a chapter. Or a bit of a chapter. Or a portion of a bit of a chapter. The point is, I need to make more of an effort. Even if the resolution fails to reach optimum potency and I manage once a week, that'll still be an improvement on this past year, and I'm glad to report that at Luke Chapter 5, so far so good. I decided to start with Luke's Gospel as a refresher course on the God-man Jesus - His life, His teaching and the amazing thing He did for us on the cross at Calvary. The centre of the Christian faith (and my relationship with God) begins with Jesus, so my resolution probably should, too.

Resolution number two is to

Stop being so self-deprecating


I've always been my harshest critic, but rather than leading to self-improvement, it drives me to despair. Rather than being inspired by people who are better than me, my gut reaction is one of 'What's the point? Leave it to them.' And I give up. Not quite the ANZAC Spirit famed in Australian History. So I hope to change this, and let inspiration fuel me rather than cut me down. The truth is, there will always be people around you who are stronger, faster, smarter, more-talented, funnier, Godlier, charismatic and better-looking than you are (I'm stopping this endless list here as it's starting to get depressing), so if that gets you down, you're going to be disappointed for the long haul.

Finally, resolution number three is to

Get healthy healthier

Yes, I know this is frightfully generic and cliche, but I'm a pretty generic kind of guy. I managed to start some gym action late last year, which in turn made me feel guilty about what I was eating (let's face it: guilt is one HELL of a motivator). Continuing gym on my new budget may be a little tricky, so I'm going to adjust my plans a little. Food-wise, the goal is portion control, and since I'll be living in the Halls of Residence at Moore College this year, I'm expecting the incentive to be baked into the food. Exercise-wise, 30 minutes a day of SOMEthing that's not sitting around on my butt, grazing. (I may come from cattle-country, but the similarities have to stop somewhere.) If there are any other Moore students who might happen to be reading this, looking for an exercise-buddy, I'll motiviate you if you help motivate me (use of cattle-prods permissible only in extreme circumstances).

So that's the plan. 2012 is the start of a whole new life for me, so hopefully some (long-overdue) positive changes in areas of health, self-perception and God-life will be well-received, and make it through to 2013.

Or at least into February.